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It is not her love that I desire,
the mere requital of an ancient longing.
Nor do I seek to tether her
with a golden band or a gown of pearly cloth.
Her hand forever lying in my palm could never satisfy;
forevermore would never be enough.

Oh, to have coaxed her likeness from the dust,
held her cheeks as my thumbs defined her nose with gentle curves;
to have held her from the moment
of the morning she was born,
and shared each rolling tear,
bathed in every sunbeam smile.
That I was all the world her hands have touched,
each lucky set of lips to ever meet her own -
that's my haunting, hopeless need.

With such joy did the Almighty sculpt her,
then with clay left over, fashion me:
her footnote,
another's understudy,
a breath of wind that stroked her feathers.

But I dream of wings.
©2006-2009 =bewareofthesnowman
:iconbewareofthesnowman:

Author's Comments

full title is "To Have Flown With Her For Always" (provisional title only - this is definitely a work in progress)

im making an effort to shorten my poems. i know its still long, but the point is that i wanted it to be a lot longer, but forced myself to say more with less. this was my first try though, so i might not have done that great a job. im also not experienced at romantic writing so that aspect of it probably sucks. basically this is unknown territory in a lot of ways, so im not expecting it to be good. please critique the hell out of this one - who knows, it might teach me something ;)

Critiques


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:iconpunk-rock-chick:
you should've made this an entry for the romance competition in *writersdA it has the potential to win...I think it's an amazing piece, one I find hard to find anything to critique about...awesome work :heart:

--
"Neuceuler." -Bush :P

"Procrastinators Unite...Tomorrow! :horns:"

~:heart:RoCk ReBeL:heart:~
:iconbewareofthesnowman:
a contest?? lol i wouldnt have said it was that good - i was debating whether or not it was even submission worthy, i dont write like this usually so i had nothing to compare it to. thanks for the encouragement tho and also the fav :D

--
Hiss, shout, kick my teeth in, so what? I shall still tell you that you are half-wits. In three months my friends and I will be selling you our pictures for a few francs
- Manifeste cannibale dada
:iconvanidar:
Mmmmm... advanced crit. I know what that button means, at least for me. A heavy piece you think can stand up to scrutiny.

Well, I'm ashamed to say that it does.

If I had to paint the line you least like about it, my guess would be 'another's understudy', and the part you're most wondering if it works is the feather to wing lines, if the reference is working. Of course, that's me trying to overanalyse from how I'd critique my own work.

I think I understood it, saw the rythme, comprehended the references and comparisions. If that's what you wanted, good job. I can't promise I'm not one in 6 billion, though :P

--
"I see," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw. ~ from my grandfather
:iconpunk-rock-chick:
no problem ;P

--
"Neuceuler." -Bush :P

"Procrastinators Unite...Tomorrow! :horns:"

~:heart:RoCk ReBeL:heart:~
:iconryansgirl:
i reallylike this. it made me have goose bumps.
love is one of the hardest things to right about ijm not all that great at it either.
but i like long poems. this one should have been a long one,
it made me want more i felt like the girl
ok im done im blushing hehe
lena~
:iconbewareofthesnowman:
this is actually the first piece ive ever tagged as advanced crit, and it wasnt because i thought it would stand up to the scrutiny - quite the opposite actually. i want to be open to proper critique but sometymes i can feel a little protective of my stuff and since this was so different to my usual style i thought it would be the ideal poem to take the bullet!
youre absolutely right about the understudy line. that was a relic of the poem that this poem once was (if that makes sense) and i kept it because i liked the line, but each tyme i read over it something inside me twinges... its top of the list of lines to look into, along with "to have held her from the moment/of the morning she was born", which i like but it keeps reminding me of that song about a grandfather clock.
i hadn't wondered about the feathers/wings thing, altho i am wondering now! does it work?
im glad you understood it. i really do hope you arent one in six billion, but suspect you are ;)

--
Hiss, shout, kick my teeth in, so what? I shall still tell you that you are half-wits. In three months my friends and I will be selling you our pictures for a few francs
- Manifeste cannibale dada
:iconbewareofthesnowman:
im sorry it wasnt longer for you! glad to have given you goosebumps tho, thats always cool. i made lena blush! :D

--
Hiss, shout, kick my teeth in, so what? I shall still tell you that you are half-wits. In three months my friends and I will be selling you our pictures for a few francs
- Manifeste cannibale dada
:iconskylamour:
Fucking amazing!!!! I'm sad that I haven't been around and wasn't the first t read it. This is beautiful defines poetic beauty :D

--
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live."
-Dorothy Parker
:iconxcrimsonangelx:
So I've already critiqued it... normally I'd critique it more... but what does it matter? I'm just an American chick...

Either way... I do like it. And I would say that I can relate... but I don't wanna get that confused with me "wearing my heart on my sleeve." *shakes her head*

--
Wings won't take me, Heights don't phase me, So take a step, But don't look down
:iconbewareofthesnowman:
haha aww did i offend you before? lol sorry... i did say you werent included in what i said. and anyway, where would we all be if the thoughtless racist comments we made came back to haunt us? ;)
thankyou for the critique anyway, it was much appreciated, and im bearing your comments in mind for the coming rewrite of this :)

--
Hiss, shout, kick my teeth in, so what? I shall still tell you that you are half-wits. In three months my friends and I will be selling you our pictures for a few francs
- Manifeste cannibale dada

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August 4, 2006
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